im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
