mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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