after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize