I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
