why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
