u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
