I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
