I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
