I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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