I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
