I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
