dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
