1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
