Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
