Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
