I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
