is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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