i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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