i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
