i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
