how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
