I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You took a bar mat shot.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
