my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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