What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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