so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize