so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
