He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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