census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Two words: blizzard sex
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
