I think i peed on brittanys purse
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Sober January is a disaster.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
