Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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