Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
