The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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