actually, I'm a sock model
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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