either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
