when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
