were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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