There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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