Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
