oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
