im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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