I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
