It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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