there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
