just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
