I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
