I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
