I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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