actually, I'm a sock model
But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
