If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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