Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
