Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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