I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
