i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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