Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
porn star boner night. come get it.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
